


Absurd Conversations

by orphan_account



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-11-03 17:43:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10972230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Beating the Reapers was actually easier than Shepard had thought.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for what you're going to read. It just needed to come out.

Shepard was standing at a stop of the Citadel he'd never been to. It looked like he was on the outside of the station and above him, the crucible was docked and emitting a constant beam for some unknown reason. Not that any of that was any matter to Shepard because at the moment, he was just busy staring at the glowing blueish child standing in front of him, a stunned expression on his face.

After several futile attempts to come up with a level-headed reply, Shepard gave up. « You did WHAT ?! »

The child was unphased. « It was the only solution. I determined organics had to die every 50,000 years in order to prevent synthetics from killing them. »

« But… but…. » Shepard was simply too astonished to come up with any kind of reply.

« The cycle was your only salvation. » The child acting as the catalyst continued. « Without us, you would have been annihilated by your creations. »

Shepard's head was hurting as he tried to make sense of the A.I.'s logic. « No. » he shook his head vehemently. « No-no-no-no-no-no. NO ! » His pained cries turned into desperate laughs.

This time, the child took offense. « I sense your disbelief. Maybe you are too damaged to understand our motives. »

« SHUT UP ! » The human yelled at the kid. « WHAT KIND OF FUCKING DUMBASS DECIDES TO EXTERMINATE ORGANICS WHEN ITS ONLY TASK IS TO PRESERVE THEM ??? »

 « You have to under-- »

« STOP ! NOW ! » Shepard shouted. « Don't even think about saying anything else you fucking idiot ! » At this moment, his radio sizzled and a familiar voice echoed in his ear. 

« Hey, commander. What's taking you so long ?  Just fire this Crucible thing and let's go, I've got a hot sexbot to get cosy with. »

« Is that you, Joker ? » Shepard touched his ear.

« Who else would it be ? Gee, commander I swear getting shot at by reaper lasers isn't doing you any good. »

Shepard shook his head. « It's not my fault, Joker.  There's this kid up there and-- »

« A kid ? »

« Yeah, that's what I said. »

« What's he doing there ? »

« Fuck if I know, hey I could ask you the same question by the way. » Shepard scratched his head.

Joker's shrug could be heard even through the audio link. « Hey remember it's Bioware who came up with that plot. I say if Anderson can radio you up even afer your suit got all destroyed, then so can I . »

Shepard decided he was right. « Fine by me. »

« So, commander ? I'm not getting any younger here. »

« Right ! Huh can you give me a hand there ? I need to talk this kid down, it's somehow the boss of all reapers. »

« Really ? » Joker asked. « I'm not even gonna ask how that's possible. What do you want me to do ? »

« I don't know just scream at him for a minute or something, that's what I've been doing for the past ten minutes. »

« I've got a better idea. » Joker replied. « Can the kid hear me ? »

The catalyst stared at Shepard. « I do hear you both. »

« Great. » Joker said. « Ever heard that one starbrat ? HARBY JUST ASSUMED CONTROL OF YOUR MOM ! »

The kid fell to his knees. « NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! »

His translucent form exploded and all over the galaxy, every Reaper lost all power before getting blown up by the various spaceships fighting against them.

Somewhere on Earth, Harbinger let out one last obnoxious cry before dying.

« THIS HURTS ME ! »

The galaxy was safe, and it was all thanks to Joker.


	2. After the defeat

Two husks were sitting in the remains of a dead reaper. One of them looked at the other and said : 

  _When were you when Harbinger dies ?_

  _I was screech like a idiot on Earth when Catalyst ping me and say :_

_« Harbinger is kill »_

_« no »_


End file.
